The truth.

Aug. 16th, 2012 05:05 pm
kenjie: (rin o. » sadness)

While this isn’t something that I would like to admit, I feel like it’s time to tell the truth on a certain situation surrounding my life. Today, I cried for the first time in years. I know people use it as a coping mechanism to get over things but that isn’t the case for me. Crying ultimately makes me feel worse for the simple fact that it is my body’s way of admitting defeat. It’s a little silly but it’s the truth at the same time. The truth that I have to own up to is the fact that my relationship ended two months ago today. For the past two months, I have been blatantly telling lies to make it seem like everything is alright when it isn’t. I’m usually good with these things but I finally hit my limit and I was forced to break down and just let it out. I feel terrible for basically telling lies to everyone for over the past two months but I feel like it was necessary to deal with my problem on my own time.  While I’m not a fan of feeling like this, I realize that it will help me to get over certain things that I have been feeling. Yes, I do feel rotten right now but it feels good to finally let this out. Of course, whenever people ask, “How are things going with Sarah?” I’ll figure out a way to explain to them because I don’t think I’ll be able to continue pretending because that won’t help anything. It feels good to finally get this out.

Instead of writing a million paragraphs, I’ll end this now by saying that today begins a new chapter and I can actually start to feel better now that things are out in the open.

Comfort

Aug. 13th, 2012 07:57 pm
kenjie: (kirito » heh)

Things haven’t been easy this week. After taking a day to lick my wounds and feel down in the dumps, I feel like I’m going to be able to manage this in a productive way. I’m not saying that I’m 100% but I’m not going to give up and stop doing the things that I enjoy doing. That simply means accepting defeat and I’m not ready to do that. I think that I need to find a good way to express my emotions. I have a tendency of going from really happy to meh to absolute shit in a matter of hours. If I gain control of that, I think I’ll be able to make some improvements. While things are in a grey-area right now, I’ll do a lot of growing up instead of standing in the same spot that I have been in for the past few years.

I’d like to mention someone in this entry. I’m not going to state them by name because they know who they are. They said something to me and that is “If I was important enough, it wouldn’t be so easy to throw me away.” I will improve on this for the simple fact that this person is very important to me. This same person is also the main person to suffer the consequences of my actions. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry. It’s not fair to let the backlash of everything negative that happens to me fall back on you. I’m not sure how or when I’ll make up for the constant pain but I hope it’ll be soon. With the new roleplay element, I hope that it’ll help to fix some of the bruises that I have caused. We have a twisted relationship; there is no denying that I’m making a vow to stop that now. I can’t do it over night but I hope that you are okay with me putting forth a better effort. Words are pretty so I’ll let my actions do the talking. I just hope that we are willing to keep our arrangement going with staying connected every day. I really enjoy it. Trust is important and I need to realize that I need to establish trust with you and not apologize every night after we talk. If you take issue with anything that I say or do, I need to just trust you to say something about it the next day. Same with the roleplay, instead of being a punk, I need to just post and trust for you to tell me if it was off in any way. Thanks for always being there throughout it all.

Hiatus

Aug. 12th, 2012 09:33 pm
kenjie: (rin o. » sadness)
A small break to gather myself this upcoming week. Hopefully it won't be longer than that.
kenjie: (kirito » heh)

Despite feeling like shit all week, I have decided to come up with something to expand my view on anime. I’m going to try and watch a new series every single week [as long as it is in the 12/24 episode category] and thus far I’ve been fairly successful. Of course, I have watched more than one series this week but I think that it’s okay due to the fact that I needed something to keep me busy. At least this way, I’ll have something to write about every single week, which is a plus, in my mind. I mentioned a few shows in my previous entry but I won’t talk about them since they have already been discussed.

 

This week, I’ve been watching Hakuoki</em> and Haiyore! Nyaruko-san!</em>. Hakuoki</em> is pretty bare but it has more than a few historical figures and the fight scenes are alright. I realized that I dropped the show way back with the show originally aired but I think I’ll sit through it to the end this time. I’ll probably never watch it again once I’m finished but it’ll be nice to add this to my library due to the fact that a few of my friends are into it. Haiyore! Nyaruko-san!</em> was something else and that’s a good thing. It reminds me of a show that I’m watching from the current season in Binbō-gami ga!</em> due to the fact that it is fucking crazy but it counts to the appeal. I wasn’t a fan of the main male protagonist but I can tell why they made him the way that he was. As for everyone else in Haiyore! Nyaruko-san!</em>, I loved em. I loved all of the perverted shit that Nyaruko and Kuko would do and say. Hastur was pretty funny, too. I couldn’t help but laugh every time he mentioned wanting to have Mahiro’s babies. Hopefully I can get into more crack shows. It was pretty refreshing to watch something so light hearted and perverted.

I’ll end this here because I’m hungry as hell and I’m getting tired of hearing my stomach growl.. I’ll probably make my update day Saturday afternoons so I’ll be back next week~

 

kenjie: (shinji » mmm)
Over the past two years, I’ve been breaking out of my entertainment shell and to be honest, I’m really enjoying it. Of course, this hasn’t been happening with video games because I will always stick to my bread and butter but with anime. I have someone to thank for that and I’m pretty sure they know who they are. Anyway, for the sake of making this short but equally fruitful, I’ll go ahead and start listing off of the new shows from 2011 to 2012 that have made a pretty significant impact.

Fate/Zero: I feel the need to put this first because I feel like it has made the biggest impact out of everything. I was a little apprehensive as far as starting this show because I thought that it would be something that I would hate but I ended up loving it. From the concept to the characters, I felt like it was an absolute masterpiece. Anytime you watch a show and a character breaks into your top five without even trying, that makes it worth mentioning. I have been able to rp as Rider/Iskander once and it was a nice but I hope to do more later! I mean, this is the King of Conquerors. I disliked Waver in the beginning but in the end, I really enjoyed what he brought to the show. Hell, there are more characters from the show ranging from Gilgamesh to Lancer and Berserker that I would like to play one day. I need to branch out to accomplish this and I’m looking forward to that.

Neon Genesis Evangelion: I’ll be the first to admit that I tried to watch it back in the day but I could never get into it. Maybe I was impatient but after watching the two Rebuild of Evangelion movies, I can say that it was stupid of me to miss out on a great experience. I probably lost a few friends simply by not watching the show. The more fandoms you’re into, the more friends you have. I’m not complaining about the friends that I have now because they are awesome but more wouldn’t hurt. I’m really looking forward to the third movie because I love watching how these things unfold.

Kara no Kyoukai: In my defense, I tried watching this for the first time when things were upside down in Virginia back in 2011. On top of the responsibility of looking after a loved one, I was confused as hell and in a strange spot. Thankfully, due to a little push from a dear friend, I decided to go back and watch it..in order this time. It was hard to not fall for this show for the simple fact that it was very interesting. While it isn’t an hour of fighting per movie, I feel like they do a good job of reeling you in with the mysteries before ending it with a crazy fight scene. I’ll definitely recommend this to my friends because I feel like more people should know about it.

Persona 4: The Animation: Never touched a Persona game but after viewing the anime, I feel the need to. It was easy to get into the plot and the characters were very likable. The fact that there is a Persona 4 fighting game helps with the appeal. It has been getting some solid reviews so I think I’ll check it out before the end of 2012. No roleplay experience with this anime/game but I would like to try in the future.

Code Geass: This is something that I have been putting off for years, probably more so than everything else on this list. But due to pestering from friends on Twitter, I decided to watch it and I couldn’t help but laugh at the fact that I was stupid for skipping it. I’ll probably end up watching it again when I get some free time. Not sure if the fandom is still alive but hopefully with Akito the Exiled, it’ll pick back up and I will be able to get some roleplaying done.

I think I'll end this here. Five new shows (for me) in one year. I'm happy with this list and I hope that I'll be able to branch out and add more to it. I'm getting older and I'm keeping an open mind to things now. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? I end up disliking it and that's not the worst thing in the world.
kenjie: ([houtarou] blending in)
After thinking about it for a week or so, I have finally decided to use this journal for personal use. I’m not too sure this is going to go on but at least it’s a start, right? Not too sure how active I will be as far as writing goes but I’ll try my best to write whenever something comes to mind. It’s much better than talking about it out in the open online or trying to talk to someone from real life about it.

My greatest weakness: relationships and my inability to cut ties. While I do have other problems, I would say that outside of video games and looking for work, it’s something that I invest most of my time in. As an ‘adult’ that’s normal but I don’t think that it is normal for me anymore. Instead of cutting ties and leaving where I’m not appreciated, I have a tendency to stick it out and hope for the best. Granted, I don’t like to be a quitter in anything but the lack of common sense here is astounding. I’d like to think that I would make a good boyfriend and a good friend; I have a tendency of putting too much stock into something without getting much in return. I won’t turn this into a pity party but how long can you live in an imaginary world where you’re not happy? Just because you are comfortable, that doesn’t make it right and I guess that’s where my biggest problem is. I’m so comfortable with what I’ve got that I’m not willing to ‘suffer’ for a little bit from being alone and that’s something that I absolutely hate. For the better part of 23 years, I’ve tried to do the ‘right’ thing with mixed results but how long can you honestly turn a blind eye to unhappiness. Life is too short to feel this way every single day and I can’t blame anyone for it but myself. I will eventually grow up or turn myself into a vegetable to rot away. It’s a damn shame with the fact that so many people so much potential in me but I would much rather run in a circle for six years over addressing the fact. I just hate putting time into something without seeing legitimate results. Am I a better person right now? No. Am I whining after having things flipped upside down after a month or so? No. It has been tarnished for three months or so and for the first time, I’ve had the guts to openly talk about but when it seems like it will always take a backseat to something else, that’s when you have to re-evaluate things and try to make a difference.

I’m only at peace whenever I find myself locked into a few of my favorite shows or engaging in conversation with friends during wrestling or Toonami. I don’t think about how many things I’ve failed at, how angry I am about certain things or how I haven’t been able to land a job after college. Yes, I’m lazy but I’m willing to do the work and get applications out there and I think that it’s important. I have plenty of lazy friends that have jobs so I don’t think I can say that is the main reason but whenever you fail at something for so long, you stop looking at the bigger picture and you just feel like quitting. I don’t like to talk to online or real life friends about it because I have making myself vulnerable but sometimes it seems like the only legitimate option. I don’t want to dump it on my mom because she already thinks that I’m anti-social and depressed when I’m really not. I would much rather keep to myself over having someone judge me for something that I have been trying to fix. I keep it from my siblings for the simple fact that they will always try to check on me and they are already busy enough with their own lives. It’s strange to have people that care but you shut down all means of communication for something so stupid and small. Again, yet another thing that I have to work on before it gets too late and I start making excuses for it, which would eventually turn to acceptance, which I don’t want.

In closing, I can admit that I feel better after writing out my feelings but I know whenever I wake up tomorrow, I will feel the same way. I just feel like there is nothing here for me anymore and I need to do something about it or just accept the ruin.

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kenjie

August 2012

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