kenjie: ([houtarou] blending in)
[personal profile] kenjie
After thinking about it for a week or so, I have finally decided to use this journal for personal use. I’m not too sure this is going to go on but at least it’s a start, right? Not too sure how active I will be as far as writing goes but I’ll try my best to write whenever something comes to mind. It’s much better than talking about it out in the open online or trying to talk to someone from real life about it.

My greatest weakness: relationships and my inability to cut ties. While I do have other problems, I would say that outside of video games and looking for work, it’s something that I invest most of my time in. As an ‘adult’ that’s normal but I don’t think that it is normal for me anymore. Instead of cutting ties and leaving where I’m not appreciated, I have a tendency to stick it out and hope for the best. Granted, I don’t like to be a quitter in anything but the lack of common sense here is astounding. I’d like to think that I would make a good boyfriend and a good friend; I have a tendency of putting too much stock into something without getting much in return. I won’t turn this into a pity party but how long can you live in an imaginary world where you’re not happy? Just because you are comfortable, that doesn’t make it right and I guess that’s where my biggest problem is. I’m so comfortable with what I’ve got that I’m not willing to ‘suffer’ for a little bit from being alone and that’s something that I absolutely hate. For the better part of 23 years, I’ve tried to do the ‘right’ thing with mixed results but how long can you honestly turn a blind eye to unhappiness. Life is too short to feel this way every single day and I can’t blame anyone for it but myself. I will eventually grow up or turn myself into a vegetable to rot away. It’s a damn shame with the fact that so many people so much potential in me but I would much rather run in a circle for six years over addressing the fact. I just hate putting time into something without seeing legitimate results. Am I a better person right now? No. Am I whining after having things flipped upside down after a month or so? No. It has been tarnished for three months or so and for the first time, I’ve had the guts to openly talk about but when it seems like it will always take a backseat to something else, that’s when you have to re-evaluate things and try to make a difference.

I’m only at peace whenever I find myself locked into a few of my favorite shows or engaging in conversation with friends during wrestling or Toonami. I don’t think about how many things I’ve failed at, how angry I am about certain things or how I haven’t been able to land a job after college. Yes, I’m lazy but I’m willing to do the work and get applications out there and I think that it’s important. I have plenty of lazy friends that have jobs so I don’t think I can say that is the main reason but whenever you fail at something for so long, you stop looking at the bigger picture and you just feel like quitting. I don’t like to talk to online or real life friends about it because I have making myself vulnerable but sometimes it seems like the only legitimate option. I don’t want to dump it on my mom because she already thinks that I’m anti-social and depressed when I’m really not. I would much rather keep to myself over having someone judge me for something that I have been trying to fix. I keep it from my siblings for the simple fact that they will always try to check on me and they are already busy enough with their own lives. It’s strange to have people that care but you shut down all means of communication for something so stupid and small. Again, yet another thing that I have to work on before it gets too late and I start making excuses for it, which would eventually turn to acceptance, which I don’t want.

In closing, I can admit that I feel better after writing out my feelings but I know whenever I wake up tomorrow, I will feel the same way. I just feel like there is nothing here for me anymore and I need to do something about it or just accept the ruin.

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kenjie

August 2012

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